Life is only as bad as you make it out to be…
I believe everything happens in it’s own time, and unfolds just as it should.
10 years ago, I probably would have said those same words, and positioned it within the context of the life I had back then. But then, my life changed…
I was caught up in a whirlwind of emotions and spiraling out of control over the sudden death of my mom, my first marriage ending in divorce, my relationship with my children falling apart, and the place I called home for 13 years…gone!
Lost, alone and scared as hell… I did it again, I positioned that phrase within the context of the life that was in front of me…
I believe EVERYTHING happens in it’s own time, and unfolds just as it should!
Hitting rock bottom had its benefits. It unearthed a layer to my BEING I never would have gotten to, had I not had the time to wallow in my sadness…and self driven pity party of which, as time passed I was the only attendee. Boom!
Getting here has been a journey. (I love that word)
A journey into acknowledging my failures, my fears and my f-ups! (Yup you read right!) Or as I like to refer to them now “THE 3 F’s“.
If you are reading this and can relate to anything here, and you are still in a hole of denial over playing a part in what has happened to you, take a moment, step away, take a breath and when you resume reading, I hope this next statement lands right where I want it to for you….
Acknowledging the 3 F’s makes space for another F… FREEDOM!
Do you not want that for yourself?
F-R-E-E-D-O-M … FREEDOM!!! FREEEEEE-DOM!!
Enter stage left, the star of this blog… The ReFrame!
The Art of the ReFrame is not a new concept to say the least, but one that takes intentional consistent practice to reap the rewards. “Excuse me ma’am how does that suit of peace of mind feel on ya?”
So let me break it down for you…
Warning Spoiler Alert! … To explain further, I will be making references to the movie ‘The Girl in the Spider’s Web”, so if you wanted to see it… perhaps you should go do so and come back and meet me here.
To ReFrame something, simply put, is to look at the same situation/event, using a different perspective. It is as if you are looking at it with a different pair of eyes. But… the change in perspective does not come from what you are seeing, the change in perspective is triggered in the brain. It is a mindset shift and an internal acceptance that the story you’ve been telling yourself, all this time, didn’t actually happen the way you have been believing, sharing and as such living, to this point!
Huh??? (This is huge, so keep reading )
The Freeze Frame…
- “The Girl in the Spider’s Web” is based on the story of two sisters, separated during their childhood by a tragic event. The main character, let’s call her sister #1, makes a crucial decision to run away from home, in the midst of their father’s sexual abuse. Sister #1 pleads with sister #2 to come with her, she reaches out for her hand, but sister #2 backs away in fear, as their father is slowly approaching them, calling out to sister #1 to stop and come back to him. Sister #1 then makes the heart wrenching decision to leave sister #2 behind… and that action breathes life into the story we see play out throughout the movie.
- Sister #1 becomes an avenger for abused and abandoned women, and as the movie progresses, we get glimpses of the bond the two sisters shared. We begin to understand and empathize with her way of being, we begin to see how that past traumatic event, shaped her identity and beliefs, and as such plays itself out in her actions, behavior and decision making.
The Switch Frame…
- Sister #2 re-enters as an adult, with a mission of her own, and a story of her own, of the events from that day. She is angry, resentful and out for revenge. After all, what kind of a person, leaves her younger sister behind, to become the sole victim to their father’s relentless sexual and psychotic abuse for over 10 years.
- Since that fateful day, the two sisters have never spoken. You begin to feel sister #2’s pain of abandonment, her fear of facing the daily abuse becomes so real, you begin to comprehend her sense of detachment, either by way of making it relatable to you or someone you know. You begin to insert yourself into her story, the story she has told herself, the story she is living. And it is very present to her. It is her truth. And you are drawn into it, hook, line and sinker!
The ReFrame…
So up till now, I am thinking, …I got it! I see both sides of their stories…
- Sister #1 feels guilty for leaving her sister behind and uses her experience of being abused, as the fuel force behind her standing up for those who cannot do so on their own.
- Sister #2 harbors an intense hatred for being abandoned and completely blames her sister for how her life has turned out.
But then, the movie is about to end, and something happens…
In the midst of their final meeting, sister #2 unleashes all her suppressed and only recently expressed emotions towards her sister. This, …we expected!
There they are, standing a few feet apart when we are blindsided by these words…
Drum roll please…
Sister #1 tells sister #2 “You chose him over me“. (Uh what?!)
You see, the scene was set as such that I bought into the stories, the rackets, the acts… leaving me with a complete blind spot to any other thought. I didn’t see that the experience of abandonment had become that of a double edged sword.
But that’s what blind spots are right? They are not in our immediate vision, and therefore will not and cannot show up in our lives, unless we challenge the story and attempt to let it go altogether and open up to inventing a new life. We enjoy living in the story we have told ourselves, and justify every action and behavior of those around us, to fit and match the story we are living! But who willfully decides to challenge that? Why rock the boat if the seas are calm? But are the seas calm? Or do you have a blind spot to what is really happening, because you are stuck in the story of what has happened!
Another aspect that keeps the blind spots hidden is the love and attachment to our squishy comfort zones. Now don’t get me wrong, if someone had walked up to me 10 years ago and asked me to challenge my comfort zone by thinking outside the box, and offered to give me a sneak peek into my life now, hinting to the fact that I would be leading a completely different life… well, let’s just say, they would be doing so at their own risk!!! LOL
I believe it is very difficult to truly understand and grasp a concept and a way of being, until such time that it becomes your own reality! Your own experience!
Only then can you acknowledge the power behind talking the talk and walking the walk! You’ve heard the saying, ‘do not judge me unless you’ve walked in my shoes?’ Well I have a saying of my own, ‘do not speak it until you’ve experienced it’. Read all the ‘how to’ books you want to and indulge yourself in as much conversation over the topics, but if you want to become truly present to what is…challenge yourself with a different perspective, drop into your heart, and own an experience of your own! You are not stuck!
I designed the Freeze Frame (your story), Switch Frame (their story), ReFrame (change in perspective) for the purpose of this blog to make it relatable and easier to understand. As a Functional Holistic Lifestyle Coach, this is one of the techniques I use to create the possibilities that the life you want for yourself exists, it is my mission to help you uncover what’s blocking you, stopping you and keeping you from achieving the best version of yourself. You can call me the Blind Spot remover… it is a label I would proudly wear.
Thank you for reading…
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There are plenty of peaks in life, but sometimes they are hard to see because we are focused on the valley floor… David N Johnson.
The Butterfly Effect Lifestyle 