Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment in life…. Unknown
I think it was about two weeks ago, when my husband and I were standing in the kitchen catching up on the events of each other’s day, when he casually inserted into our conversation that he couldn’t believe we were coming to ‘an end of a decade’… For some odd reason, hearing him say ‘the end of a decade’, impacted me differently. I mean, I knew this was indeed going to happen, but in that moment, as his words landed, I felt this huge emotional shift. So, I decided to spend the next few days in quiet reflection to truly sit with my thoughts, feelings and more importantly my memories, for something inside me was calling… calling to be let out and heard.
But WHAT was calling? WHAT was it that wanted to be heard?
If I’ve learnt anything from my Coaching it is this, before I can attempt to answer anything, I must first distinguish the question. And then suddenly, as though bringing awareness to that realization was the permission I needed to open the floodgate of emotions that was consuming my heart. Sigh, unfortunately my own curiosity was beginning to overwhelm me. I could have easily blamed it on the recent full moon, but I knew better. The challenge I faced now was that I didn’t only have one question, I had several… and the questions seemed to be unearthing a singular message. Oh how i so desperately wanted to retreat to the comfort of an old habit of isolation, but this I secretly knew wasn’t what I needed. What I needed was solitude.
Solitude doesn’t mean being by ourselves or away from civilization. Real solitude means….We take refuge in our mindful breathing and come back to the present moment, and to the island of peace within ourselves…. Thich Nhat Hanh
Thus, as I reflected on the last ten years, I discovered that with every event, ‘good and bad’, I had undergone a transformation. And so, the calling, the message, the ‘what’ wanted to be heard was this… “I am not the same, I am not different but rather I have become INDIFFERENT to SAME”… (confusing huh?). Wayne Dyer explains it perfectly when he says, “Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change”. There’s even a quote by Max Dupree that says, “We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are”. I wouldn’t be where I am today, had it not been for ALL of the events of this past decade. My life, my lifestyle, my way of being has changed…a hell of a lot too I might add. As I maneuvered back and forth between events, I kept looping back to the only event I know that had the greatest impact, … the death of my mother. Losing her at the start of this decade was indeed the spark, the igniter, the catalyst for the various transformations. Every moment, every word spoken, every emotion felt, from then till now, I wouldn’t have had, had my mom still been alive. Now, I had come to this realization before, but my grief always overshadowed any progressive feelings I would make towards accepting and healing. So perhaps as we approach the start of a new decade, I believe my husbands words landed differently because I was ready, ..am ready actually, to SEE with fresh eyes the GIFT/s that came and is still to come, with the experience of not having her with us.
A wise old man was talking to a boy and said, “There are two wolves always fighting inside me. One is filled with anger, hate, jealousy, shame and lies. The other wolf is filled with love, joy, truth and peace. This battle rages inside you and all men.” The boy thought for a moment and asked “Which wolf will win?” The old man answered, “The one you feed!”… Unknown
I’ve always loved that analogy and the message rings truer now. Stepping boldly into 2020, I would have to make a CHOICE, a conscious effort to choose the wolf I wanted to feed. This is how you let go…. it’s not about forgetting the past, but more about learning from it, USING the “what happened to me” experiences to strengthen you, inspire you and keep you grounded and affirmed in knowing what you want to be experiencing instead!
“I am not same, I am not different, rather I have become indifferent to same…”
I must acknowledge I didn’t get to this place of saying ‘this isn’t working for me’, simply by ‘knowing’, I got here having the experiences to match my knowing. That is the only way we can create the distinction. Sure, not every experience I’ve been through was a welcomed one…… but it came to teach me. Sure, I repeated some experiences, but that only meant I didn’t understand the lesson the first time.
These mountains you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb… Najwa Zebian
During this last decade I had to make connections to help me get from where I was to where I wanted to be. I had to be active, to participate and commit to the different personal development programs I chose to help me. The point here isn’t that the ones I chose were the best…. but they were the ones that effected the transformation I was looking for within myself. The message here is that you cannot and should not walk the journey of your healing alone. Love yourself a little bit more and go ahead and give into vulnerability and reach out and ask for help.
Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage…. Brene Brown
Being vulnerable opened the doors I needed to move forward. Being open to acknowledging and accepting my own mistakes helped me lay to rest those feelings of shame and guilt that perpetuated some of my stories. I hold myself accountable (my support group does too) to a way of BEING that I believe has brought clarity to how I live my life now. This past decade has opened up unimaginable experiences and connections that I intend to honor through ‘walking my talk’… this is what makes me ‘indifferent to same’. You want to effect change in your life? You must be willing to DO what IS necessary, hard and harder. Growth does happen outside of comfort zones, and so does the life that aligns more to the beliefs and desires that you are wanting. I hate to tell ya but if the desire is there, and you can distinguish that you are wanting more, then you are already in a comfort zone!
Don’t let your fear of what could happen, make nothing happen….Unknown.
“What do you WANT for yourself for the next ten years”… I ask myself now.
(Pause for effect)
All I can come up with so far is… “I WANT to keep on LIVING IN the moments.”
Over the last week I decided to sit and do a ‘check in’ to my happiest, my saddest, my most challenging, and my most empowering moments, I also included the moments that took my breath away, the ones that scared me the most and the ones that I am most grateful for, and what came to mind was how much this ‘check in’ was shifting my perspective about these past ten years. I am not finished my ‘check in’ actually, I started it to help me gain insight about what it was that was speaking to me and that I wanted to share in this blog. The year isn’t over and so I’ve got some moments to experience before that stroke of midnight on December 31st 2019….
Fall in LOVE with yourself a little bit more and be bold and brave and vulnerable all at the same time. Life IS HAPPENING … don’t miss it by living in what has already happened. To know WHO you want to be, you have to know who you DON’T want to be. To know WHAT you want, you have to know what you DON’T want. If letting go isn’t working then try letting it BE.
Having no control over the TIMING of my life showed me that …that control was never mine for the taking anyway. So, Let it be… leave it in God’s hands, shift focus and take control over what does belong to you.
And then it happens… One day you wake up and you’re in this place. You’re in this place where everything feels right. Your heart is calm. Your soul is lit. Your thoughts are positive. Your vision is clear. You’re at peace, at peace with where you’ve been, at peace with what you’ve been through and at peace with where you’re headed…. Unknown.
Challenge accepted…. bring on the new year !!!
Thank you mom for showing me the way….
The Butterfly Effect Lifestyle 