I needed these words. I had been having this unsettling feeling in my gut, that the experiences over the course of the last few months, were not ‘good’ for me. And by ‘good’ I mean … well I mean a lot things. I was not sleeping peacefully as I had been, my dreams were somewhat busy and confusing, and I felt further away from the person I had started to like looking at every morning in the mirror.
The pandemic lockdown created time and space for a lot of insightful reflections. I knew I didn’t want to get sick, so I took charge of my health and tweaked my daily habits as such, that the couple of months we spent in quarantine, it seemed to be exactly the ‘pause’ I needed to re-set my lifestyle and my goals. This is how I knew I was a little off balance of late. And up until yesterday, I could not say what it was that had me feeling askew. And then it hit me, as I knelt in church, listening to the chords coming from the choir, my eyes closed mentally singing ‘make me an instrument of your peace’,… I felt it, and then my breathing became lighter. Whatever I had been doing recently, was robbing me of this… this peaceful feeling I was experiencing at that moment. Sure, the backdrop helped, but when you’ve opened the doors to self awareness, you are able to identify with moments like these as signs, and it was beaconing that it was time to reset once again.
You know the saying, ‘Be careful what you wish for?’ I never really liked that saying come to think of it. I always thought it sounded scary and frightful and probably the reason a lot of people stay in unhealthy toxic situations and relationships. There is nothing wrong with wishing in actuality, what’s wrong is believing that if you get your wish that that’s the end… it is not!
Healthier daily self care rituals were not the only insightful things that came out of my lockdown time. As I stood back and observed the chaos the world was in, coupled with the rise of mental health awareness, my desire to do my part in helping, lead me to making myself available to teach more Yoga classes. ‘Making myself available‘ is emphasized for a reason. To the average person attending a Yoga class you may not quite understand what I’m about to share. (And please, take no offense to the word average, it is not meant to ‘mean’ anything other than someone who does not participate in a regular practice) However, to the ‘Yogi‘, you’ll feel this.
‘Making myself available‘ simply meant adhering to some disciplines before my classes, so that I remain authentic in my teachings. One of those disciplines is ‘no alcohol’ before I practice. Another is nourishing my physical body with as much clean fuel as I possibly can. And another is having a set time to wind down before my 8 hour sleep. Oh, let me ease your thought train here. These are not requirements of anyone wishing to practice with me. These are just some of the ways I kept my mind and my body whole, so that when I’m teaching, my thoughts are clear and my words align with the theme of the practice. Most times the takeaways felt land on the hearts for which they are meant. I have been practicing and teaching for many years, and these disciplines have been replaced and revised with other habits, to the point where I know the correct measures of what I need, and when I’m in need of more or less.
So, in wishing to do more and become more available, I forgot that what pairs with that is exposure to more energy. In the past, I don’t think I gave myself enough compassion in understanding that I am also an Empath. I either laughed it off with the agreeing masses that I was being over sensitive or I deflected and resisted the emotions I was feeling. In any case, part of understanding my role as a Yoga teacher was learning to honor the empath within. Now the empath was calling for some reconnection. Perhaps, in receiving my wish to do more good for others by ways of making myself be more ‘seen’, my unsettling ‘gut’ feelings urged me to embrace that I had forgotten about me.
I have a vision in my head of the life I want to live. Sharing the practice of Yoga is very much a part of that vision. My Holistic Lifestyle Coaching merges the gaps between clients on and off the mat. What was missing was bringing the balance between the teacher, the coach and the empathetic human behind it all.
give love, but don’t exhaust yourself
be peaceful, but don’t become passive
have patience, but don’t settle for less
trust yourself, but don’t develop arrogance
be open to love, but don’t force a connection
have goals, but don’t chase after each craving
yung pueblo
The above paragraph gave me the permission I needed to steady my boundaries and hold fast to finding the balance I need now. I don’t know yet what that balance looks like, or what I’ll need to replace but on one hand, it’s led me back here… to my writing. Why did I ever stop? I had forgotten how much healing flows through me when I get out of my head. So here I go. This time I’ll try stepping back and focus on finding the aligned balance for my voice. Perhaps my pen holds the key to ‘being’ that instrument of peace I heard in the song. Who knows?
Hold strong to the Vision you have for You… and never ever be afraid to honor your feelings. The path to your Vision-life is a winding road full of obstacles. Clear what needs to be cleared, Change what needs to changed, Discard what needs to be discarded. Be brave sweet soul.
Butterfly Musings by Rachel Millar
The Butterfly Effect Lifestyle 